The Curse Of Robert (2016) REVIEW

"The Curse Of Robert" is an independent British horror film from director Andrew Jones. Released only this month (September 2016), this follow up to Jones' 2015 effort "Robert" came in #1 in the UK DVD charts. Apparently some strange people, like myself, still buy DVDs! Check out the trailer:

Doll related horror films! They've seen a resurgence in recent years with films like "Annabelle" and "The Boy", here we have a fresh British offering to this sub-genre, little red headed Robert. Could he be the British answer to the horror icon that is Chucky? No, is the simple answer. However I'm not sure director Andrew Jones had the intention of rivalling Chucky. "The Curse Of Robert" bring a gritty and almost down to earth quality to this habitually over the top genre that only a British horror could (I say almost down to earth, we're still talking about a killer doll guys.). I'm afraid that's about as positive as this review is going to get, buckle in boys.

The overall plot is pretty thin and cliché, possessed doll, kills people for virtually no reason; our little friend Robert doesn't seem to have an end game!

There is a small attempt at making the plot deeper with references to the previous film (Robert 2015). Unfortunately these references have no bearing on the story arc what's so ever. The acting quality is a small port in a storm for this film, however due to the plot or lack there of, its almost impossible to feel any connection to these characters when they're getting off'd! In fairness to Andrew Jones, to make two films out of very little "based on a true story" source material may be the reason for such thin plots.

The worst part about this film is regrettably the killing scenes (the massive body count of 4). Robert essentially looks as of he's being held and shook above his victims. These scenes really take away from Robert's genuinely creepy ascetic, another saving grace of this film. The shots when Robert isn't moving are creepier than the ones in which he is.

The best way I could describe the majority of "The Curse Of Robert" is like watching a soap opera with a killer doll appearing now and again. The film really should feature more of its star doll and less cliché dialogue between characters that, lets be honest, no one watching cares about.

Other than Robert's creepy look and the decent acting, watching this film truly felt like a curse.

The tagline reads "Chucky and Annabelle were scary, Robert is your worst nightmare" and I couldn't agree more.

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The Human Centipede 3 (2015) REVIEW

The Human Centipede 3 follows essentially the same plot as the previous gut wrenching installment, some psycho watches both the movies and decides to create a human centipede of his own. Only this time it’s set in an American prison. HC3 features Dieter Laster (The Human Centipede) as the sick sadistic warden who is influenced by his accountant (Yes, his accountant) Laurence R. Harvey (The Human Centipede 2) to create his very own human centipede with the prison’s over crowded inmate population in order to save both their jobs (because some nonsensical reason).

This grotesque horror is a vomit inducing watch from start to finish, in not in a good horror way either. It is almost unwatchable with Dieter Laster shouting almost incomprehensible racist, sexist and homophobic slurs throughout the entire film. Honestly he is literally shouting all of the time. This along with the second-rate performance from Laurence R. Harvey and the even worse performance from porn star Bree Olson (who is literally only there to look at, the characters sexist attitudes and revealing camera angles make this crystal clear) makes this one really difficult watch. Not to mention the excessive crude and disturbing scenes that have no meaning in terms of the story. “Disturbing scenes? It’s a horror that’s to be expected” you may say, but it is clear that these scenes have only been included by writer and director Tom Sixx for cheap shock value and nothing else. One can only imagine that Mr.Sixx is aware that no one asked for this third installment nor the second so creating buzz via “gore porn” is the only way. Seriously though who really in their right mind wants to watch scenes such as: A man’s balls being cut off and eaten, a man having sex with another man’s stab wound and a brutally beaten women being raped whilst in a coma. Not to mention the whole human centipede BS.

Laurence R. Harvey & Dieter Laster

Forgetting all of the above the story doesn’t even make sense, these guys are creating this centipede to save their jobs? Sure they are. The actors in this move are both shown on screen whilst the inmates watch the previous two movies. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Oh and the prison warden for whatever reason has to call in Tom Sixx (as himself) to explain the premise of the Human centipede and then go on to make some self-congratulatory speech about how The Human Centipede has become “social meme” as it was featured on South Park. Fantastic.

The original Human Centipede movie: Unique, a bit gross but interesting and an OK watch. The Sequels? Don’t even.

1/5 If you’re a fan of watching movies featuring  raping women in comas and raping stab wounds, then this is just the movie for you. 

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The Babadook (2014) REVIEW

It's time to look at what Netflix can offer in the way of horror, their most recent offering? The Babadook. Director Jennifer Kent's "The Babadook" is a twist on the classic "bogeyman" style horror story, with an evil spirit from an ominous children's book.

The ominous children book entitled "Mister Babadook" appears in the home of the widowed Amelia (Essie Davis) and her seemingly out of control young son Samuel (Noah Wiseman). After the appearance of this creepy children's book the mother and son duo are tormented by the book's namesake. Is he a demon, a spirit, or just a product of a psychotic mind?

Although this film in concept certainly isn't anything new or ground breaking in the psychological horror genre it's still a very enjoyable and undeniably scary film. The countless horror clichés such as the book that can't be destroyed and the mother the mother that doesn't believe her son's monster stories can be overlooked due to the sheer creepiness of the film's antagonist. "Mister Babadook" really does steal the show, steeped in mystery the physical form of the Babadook really does capture a certain scariness that a lot of modern horror characters fail to capture that along with the exceedingly creepy sound it makes will make you not want to sleep without a night light for weeks.

"The Babadook" although not breath taking is certainly one of the better horror films that Netflix has to offer, with some classic horror mystery surrounding The Babadook that will leave you asking "what the hell is that?" and "how am I going to sleep tonight?"

6.5/7 If you feel like not sleeping ever again why not watch this film?

PS. If you're feeling brave, here's the babadook in action...

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Preservation (2014) REVIEW

Hunting for a thrill on Netflix? 

A survival horror with a simple yet gripping plot. Kill or be killed. A hunting party of three become the hunted when their survival equipment is stolen and they’re left running for their lives from the hunters in the shadows tracking their every move.

The simplicity of hunters becoming the hunted plot creates a thrilling and gripping story that keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout. With only a minimal cast Wrenn Schmidt leads with a strong performance backed up by both Pablo Schreiber and Aaron Staton who immerse the audience into the inner workings of the Neary Family creating dynamic and ever changing characters throughout the story that you can’t help but feel connected with.

Don’t let the one star rating on Netflix put you off. This is a thrilling watch with comedic elements and a charm that a lot of independent horror films simply fail to capture. Props to director and writer Christopher Denham for creating a strong and engaging survival horror tale.

7/10 A good watch, defying the dreaded 1 star.

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